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Divorce – Tips for Handling Kids

by: jameswalsh
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Word Count: 739

In each marital relationship, partners relate to each other uniquely. That is why self-help books and counselling on how to tackle children through parental divorce can go only that far and no further. There are no shortcuts. You have to learn and gain experience the hard way as you go along. Still, some guidance and suggestions can be valuable and make the process much smoother for you.

Encourage the Kids to Open Up

Divorce of parents is a traumatic experience for children. They are soft and vulnerable. The family is their secure nest. They know that if the parents separate, the world as they know it will come to an end. Most children also experience an emotional turmoil as parental separation looks imminent. They worry about their future and wonder if they will ever get to see their parents together again.

It is very important for you to try to address the kids’ concerns and do not allow them to become insecure. You should engage them in regular conversations discussing your divorce, what measures you are going to take for them and how their life will continue as usual after divorce.

Don’t Talk Bad about Your Ex-spouse

Your children have the right to have a healthy relationship with you as well as your spouse. You have a moral responsibility not to take this right of theirs away from them. Children thrive when they get the affection and tenderness of the mother and guidance and physical security of the father.

Never make the mistake of talking bad about your partner in front of your children when he or she is not around. This will spoil the atmosphere and inflict long-term damage on their relations with their mom or dad. You should be neutral in front of the children and assure them that both the parents love them.

Don’t Involve Kids in Your Quarrels

Divorce does not happen abruptly. For months before that, the relationship between the partners has usually deteriorated. They are not on talking terms with each other. They sulk for days or quarrel with each other loudly. For children, home does not appear a pleasant place to stay in.

While you as an adult can tolerate this situation, children have soft and delicate minds. Your quarrels have the same impact on them as hammer blows. You should never involve the kids in your feuds. Do not try to use children as messengers to convey messages to your partners. Try to keep them away and separate from your quarrels.

Don’t Overburden the Kids with Responsibility

Mothers or fathers, both can make the mistake of entrusting the children with too much responsibility. A mother may tell her son after divorce: “You are the only male member in the house now. You have to look after it and care for us. You have to take the place of your father.”

Fathers who have got child custody may tell their daughters in the same vein: “You have to take care of the house now. Try to spend time in the kitchen and do some laundry. You have to do what your mom used to do, since I am busy with my job.” Children have a right to leading a normal life like other kids. Don’t over-burden your children with responsibility that is way above their age.

Keep Your Sob Story to Yourself

Be careful what you say in front of the children. Do not project yourself as a victim and inundate their minds with your sob stories as to how life has been unfair to you and why things have come to such a pass. This will fill children with stress and anxiety and they will develop negative feelings for your partner.

Let Children’s Lives Continue as Usual

As far as possible, allow children to continue with their lives undisturbed. Ensure that their studies do not suffer because of your marital problems. Encourage them to spend time with their friends. Let them join sports such as swimming and tennis. On weekends, make it a point to take them out for dinner or movie.

Use External Help

Things are smoothed to a great extent by taking external help and advice in handling children immediately before and after your divorce. You should also join a group where members are also facing the same situation as you. You can really gain by their experience and exchanging notes. Divorce counsellors can offer you professional insights so that the effect of the entire divorce process on children is kept at the minimum level.

About the Author

James Walsh is a freelance writer and copy editor. If you would like more information on how to get a quickie Divorce see http://www.quickie-divorce.com

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